Tuesday, February 10, 2009

focus (or lack thereof)

I'm going to try to post something each day. Although there is nothing note worthy to post. I just need something to focus on. Steve's bday was last weekend and my focus this week seems to be to finish off the birthday cupcakes. I saw myself in the mirror this morning in the bathroom at school. I was a little surprised. Or maybe a lot surprised. You know how sometimes you catch a glimpse of yourself, it's quick and maybe you see your mom staring back or your dad or your sibling? Just that quick little, oh?! and then it's gone and it's just your own head reflected again? Well, that happened, the awareness of how others must see me. I'm bloated like a tick. It happened so slowly over the past couple years. The worst part is I don't seem to have a great desire to change my bad habits. I used to run. Now I eat. I was so upset by that old woman in the mirror that I came home, ate some lunch, polished off two more cupcakes and took a nap for an hour and a half. Grr...

Our middle daughter is getting married in July. I have tried to use that as motivation to stop eating and start exercising. For a while last summer I was using the WII fit daily. That's pretty fun and I like how it tracks progress.

A couple weeks ago, I crossed over a line and the WII told me I'm overweight. I said "bullshit, you are" right out loud. It's electronic, I know it's not overweight, but it just came out. I felt a little foolish, only a little. Yesterday I finally got the stupid game back out. It hasn't changed its mind, I'm still overweight. I'm 5'4" and weigh 149 pounds. There I said it aloud. I weigh alot. I stayed at 125 till I was 30. Now I am officially a blob.

Maybe just saying it aloud will motivate me to do something. I can't really figure out what has happened. I've turned into a middle aged whiner. I have a good life. Why can't I make this nothingness go away? I abhor women like who I am right now. Well, usually I only hate the ones who whine out loud, the poor me ones. I don't whine aloud. Well, except occassionally, but only to Steve and barely to one girlfriend.

Last Friday I had a meltdown, mini, well maybe it was not so mini as Steve was home to see it and usually I hold myself together when he's home. Little things have become huge. The weight of nothing has become unbearable. We didn't fight, it wasn't that kind of meltdown. I simply allowed him to see the chaos that my mind has become. I sometimes can not keep from crying and I may not even know why. I sometimes can not keep from sitting and staring and doing nothing. I sometimes can not do anything. I sometimes sit at my computer for hours playing stupid, mindless games, just to pass time till I can sleep.

So I will type. It doesn't involve much movement and I can cry if i want to. :) And hopefully I won't whine too much.


Patience said...

I've been thinking of getting a Wii fit. But I'd hate it if that stoopid machine told me I was fat!! I'd probably have to get in my MarioKart and run it over!!

noelle said...

lol. It's a very fun game, way better than any other video game we've had. The whole family loves it and you're getting up and doing something rather than just sitting. It does change your Mii, adjusting it for your height and weight, so all of a sudden your nice looking Mii gets wide, but only for Fit, when you play other games it goes back to thin! If only life were so easy. lol.