Sunday, February 15, 2009

Wii and Valentines

My valentine got me Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii for Valentines Day. I've been wanting it forever. I do not know why. I felt like an elephant in a labyrinth. Stomping around with no concentration! It is sooooooo fun. And not a bad workout either. This morning I played it and the strength training on the FIT. My abs are a little tender now. It's a good feeling. The dancing, aka stomping and swearing, is going to take a bit of getting used to. It's pretty hard for me since I have NO rhythm, but I think I'll like it.

I think I'll like the fun way to exercise. I hope it's one more step out of this funk....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Proverbs 15:1

"A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger."

And so began last night's anger management class... I've now put that proverb beside my laptop, probably I should post it in the bathroom, in my car, use it as a bookmark, on the fridge, on this and on that and on and on.

I exel at harsh words.

Maybe that's not entirely true. I seem to have learned my mother's lessons well. I excel at meticulously worded throat slashings.

A soft answer turns away wrath.

A soft answer turns away wrath.

A soft answer turns away wrath.

Don't mind me, I'm just trying to make it stick. there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

I'm taking a small group communications class. My group is sure pissing me off. I may not have taken this class had I realized I'd actually have to work with a small group and my grade will depend on said group. They don't seem to care as much as I do about an "A," they want to develop relationships or something. Bah. Today I got a little grumpy during our meeting, no harsh words, but I was a little short. Can't they just stick to the agenda. "It's prima cotton and it's the silkiest cami ever. It comes in quite a few colors. Come into my store when i'm working and try them on." What??? Who cares! What even is "prima cotton???" Did I even hear her right, maybe she said pima, is that a cotton? I don't know. "Ahem, sorry but could we maybe talk about the project?" "oh, ha ha, sorry." Then silence, because the mean old lady spoke up. I'm trying to remember age and life differences. I'm trying to remember.

But they're just so damn stupid.

I'd make my momma proud.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

focus (or lack thereof)

I'm going to try to post something each day. Although there is nothing note worthy to post. I just need something to focus on. Steve's bday was last weekend and my focus this week seems to be to finish off the birthday cupcakes. I saw myself in the mirror this morning in the bathroom at school. I was a little surprised. Or maybe a lot surprised. You know how sometimes you catch a glimpse of yourself, it's quick and maybe you see your mom staring back or your dad or your sibling? Just that quick little, oh?! and then it's gone and it's just your own head reflected again? Well, that happened, the awareness of how others must see me. I'm bloated like a tick. It happened so slowly over the past couple years. The worst part is I don't seem to have a great desire to change my bad habits. I used to run. Now I eat. I was so upset by that old woman in the mirror that I came home, ate some lunch, polished off two more cupcakes and took a nap for an hour and a half. Grr...

Our middle daughter is getting married in July. I have tried to use that as motivation to stop eating and start exercising. For a while last summer I was using the WII fit daily. That's pretty fun and I like how it tracks progress.

A couple weeks ago, I crossed over a line and the WII told me I'm overweight. I said "bullshit, you are" right out loud. It's electronic, I know it's not overweight, but it just came out. I felt a little foolish, only a little. Yesterday I finally got the stupid game back out. It hasn't changed its mind, I'm still overweight. I'm 5'4" and weigh 149 pounds. There I said it aloud. I weigh alot. I stayed at 125 till I was 30. Now I am officially a blob.

Maybe just saying it aloud will motivate me to do something. I can't really figure out what has happened. I've turned into a middle aged whiner. I have a good life. Why can't I make this nothingness go away? I abhor women like who I am right now. Well, usually I only hate the ones who whine out loud, the poor me ones. I don't whine aloud. Well, except occassionally, but only to Steve and barely to one girlfriend.

Last Friday I had a meltdown, mini, well maybe it was not so mini as Steve was home to see it and usually I hold myself together when he's home. Little things have become huge. The weight of nothing has become unbearable. We didn't fight, it wasn't that kind of meltdown. I simply allowed him to see the chaos that my mind has become. I sometimes can not keep from crying and I may not even know why. I sometimes can not keep from sitting and staring and doing nothing. I sometimes can not do anything. I sometimes sit at my computer for hours playing stupid, mindless games, just to pass time till I can sleep.

So I will type. It doesn't involve much movement and I can cry if i want to. :) And hopefully I won't whine too much.

Monday, February 09, 2009

what is there to say

There is little of interest in my life right now.

Three years have passed along with two positions at two different funeral homes. Now, no job. I'm going to school full time and need to find some part time work to support this habit.

Perhaps the funeral industry is not for me. I am of service to families, great service, I know, but I can not seem to play well with others. Am I at fault for their stupidity? I think not. Am I to blame for their inability to manage well? Again, I think not. However, I am fully responsible for my own inability to shut the hell up and do what I'm told. I don't know why it's so difficult for me.

Two years have passed and I am now re-taking anger management. Actually this time I'm co-leading the class. Does that mean I'm really, really angry?

Three months have passed since the end of my job. I am in a place of utter confusion and chaos. How did I land here again? How much therapy can one soul need?

Five years have passed since I quit the high-tech industry and began my floundering. Is this growth? It seems that my life is paralelling my 17-yr-old daughter's. College next year for her and the beginning of a new phase. At 43, I should not be at a beginning stage. I should know where I am headed. I should be secure in a career. I should not be so lost.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

truths

there are truths about me to powerful to ignore.

I have greater financial worth dead than alive.

I am swimming under a great sea and the surface seems so far from reach.

I am melodramatic beyond belief.

I am capable of self pity on a grander scale than even I imagined.

My legs are tired and I have walked only from the television to the refrigerator to the computer.

Thousands have lost their jobs, and it was beyond their control.

Violins strum so loudly, I can not hear my fingers press the keys. The thought makes me laugh.

I am searching for a way out of this dark.

No longer a journey in a house of death, perhaps the page will become a journey from the death of who I thought I was to the person I am to become.

Tears of frustration and of rage have been my comfort for months. Quiet moments of lethargy. Loud moments of pain. Angry moments of disgust.

I'm tired now.

Tired of being in this place. Ready to move forward but unsure how. Ready to discover what awaits me. New truths. New tapes playing.

I am trusting.

God, who in all his wisdom, must know what I can endure.

I am trusting.

That he will comfort and grow me as maybe I finally learn to lean on him.