Friday, March 03, 2006

day 3 - not for the faint of heart, I was upset.

I just wanted to heat some dang chicken nuggets. I went back there to the microwave, avoided looking at the gurney, just looked straight ahead. Heated my food just fine. I'm holding a small bag of chicken nuggets and heard Skip and Tom chatting about the lady in prep. Skip asked if the new girl does hair. Tom said he doesn't know, so he walked out and asked. I laughed and said I could maybe do it. I'm thinking of a dressed woman already in a casket and i'd just give her a few curls. That's how she looked in my mind, beautiful and a little plump. I walked to the door, what possessed me to do that. I don't know if my face registered the shock. I didn't pass out. I didn't get sick. I didn't cry hysterically. But I'm not eating chicken nuggets either. Why did I look. The lady was okay, no not okay. sunken. very white. paper skin. old age and death. maybe she was whitish blue. hair straight back, no kind of style. so sunken. see through. But the man on Skip's table. Dear God, he had no head. well part of one. part of it was on the table. I tried to look away. I stared. I'm feeling very light headed and unsteady. Partly due to hunger. Now I know why the gentleman yesterday had those staples around his skull. Oh God, why do they take the heads off.

i guess it was a woman. Tom said she was an autosopy repair. I asked him if that meant the man I saw yesterday with staples around his head was one too. he said probably. I don't know how i could've been able to tell that was a woman. No face. No hair. No brain inside a partial skull. that's what i saw anyway. that's what's tattooed on my brain. The top of the skull was cut off and it looked empty inside. I couldn't look away but my staring probably only lasted twenty seconds and it wasn't really staring as my eyes were darting around furiously. A covering was over her privates, but I still know she had brown pubic hair. That's what I keep seeing. Brown pubic hair, a very large body, a small red stump at the top.

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